Or if going through a painful divorce, custody battle, and more financial stress is the right path forward. I didn't chose this, but now I'm stuck dealing with it.
I’m sorry OP, but your wife is categorically NOT a candidate for R now, nor may she ever be. If you’re desperately set on remaining married to what you now realize is a fictional person, you’re going to need ongoing IC, potentially forever, to help deal with someone who’s not honest with you, who blames you for everything, who doesn’t respect you in the least, and may even infect you (if she hasn’t already) with an STD. Is that how you want to live?
I know my view about this is not favored on this site, but some of us know your best shot at POSSIBLY turning things around would be to start the separation and D process NOW. If 10 miracles occur, and your wife absolutely TRANSFORMS her inner character, comes COMPLETELY clean regarding ALL she’s done (how can you forgive what you don’t know?), owns 100% of her adultery and the thousands of betrayal choices & actions without blaming you or the marriage for ANY of it, is willing to accept the natural consequences of her actions without protest, and basically becomes willing to crawl on broken glass for you, for as long as you need, well THEN and only then, might you consider stopping the D.
Here’s the key: if she doesn’t miraculously transform, and most likely she won’t, you need to value yourself high enough to recognize you don’t deserve ongoing abuse, and let’s be clear here: adultery is abuse. Blame shifting is continuing that abuse. You need to love yourself enough to truly believe you deserve better than this. And from what you’ve written, getting better than this is a very low bar for your next relationship.
