One of the near inevitable side-effects of divorce is the change in your social and family group.
Some friends will choose sides: Directly or indirectly. Like Jack his childhood friend and his nice wife Jane that you get along fine with… chances are they won’t be inviting you to their next party because the friendship was based on Jack and your XWH relationship. Chances are that your childhood friend who always thought your ex was great won’t be inviting him and his new partner to parties. Some will simply drop both of you.
Same goes for family. Chances are some of his family will remain friendly. But chances are that family events where he’s expected to be then you won’t be getting an invite. It’s not that they choose sides – it’s more that they know he’s in the fold whereas you aren’t anymore.
It would be rare if part of his family "sided" with you and had you over for the annual Christmas party and shunned him. Hasn’t got anything with who is right or who did wrong. Everything to do with he is family and you gained access to that family through him. Now you are out.
Your neighbor for many years that you like so much… Move, and chances are you won’t be talking to him anymore. It’s not personal, it’s more just that things change and people move on. Just like you maybe no longer talk to your best work-friend from that job you had 2001-2003, or your best friend in grade-school or whatever. Life goes on. It’s not personal.
Divorce isn’t a popularity contest. It’s not as if you get to explain to them why you divorced and he get’s to explain, and then you score points. When he’s telling his family you were abusive… well… that is in extreme bad taste and you could possibly charge him with libel. But to what end? What do you want or realistically expect from them?
What I would probably do in your situation: Well… I’m not big into charging windmills. I prefer to fight battles that need to be fought and take on challenges that have purpose. Fact is you could be considered the Ogre of the forest to them and it shouldn’t impact on your life. But what I would do is select maybe 1-3 key members of his family and have a conversation with them. It would go something like:
"We are divorced/divorcing and it’s due to several factors. I know he was depressed and voiced his concerns about our marriage, but no matter what I might have tried then the fact he was having an affair with OW at the same time made any effort in saving the marriage moot. I know I have my faults and I will take on my blame for how our marriage went, but surely you can agree that the marriage was doomed when he chose to focus on his affair partner. That’s OK – sometimes marriages simply don’t work.
I have heard he accuses me of being domestically violent. Does that fit in to how you know me over the years? Does the size difference between me and ex make that likely? I will tell you this: if I continue hearing about him insisting I was violent and caused him physical harm I will seriously look into legal action to protect my name and reputation. He can chose to divorce and doesn’t need to excuse or justify that to anyone, so I don’t understand why he feels this need to spread false information about me.
I hope we can remain amicable. I realize I’m no longer in the family circle, but I hope the years we had together mean something."
And then you move on.
This is one windmill definitely not worth spending more time on.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
