SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

GET RID OF THAT THERAPIST....ASAP!!!!

Based on what you said they are communicating to you, they have absolutely no clue and will do you terrible damage if you continue to see them.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 4:30 PM, Sunday, December 21st]

The good news is she seemingly went no contact right away. If true and she is not talking at work then that shows there was no significant dopamine fog happening. Also good news she did not hesitate on a poly when asked. You may have caught this before anything progressed. Not many at SI believe that can happen lol, but of course it does happen sometimes.

The raised eyebrow news, imo. She said "we just talked about work" but she 1) still deleted the texts 2) sent photos of herself and 3) sent a no contact message with I decided to work on my marriage. Those three things do not add up to we just talked about work. Plus add in the look on her face when you dropped POS name to her. Something more was going on. It might not have been physical yet, maybe but surely it was flirting at a minimum, complaining about you too perhaps. I mean, why do those three things if the texts were innocent and about work??

And she said he reached out to me, I didn't look for something. Ok, why did she respond? Why did she send photos? She has some degree of poor boundaries. The book Not Just Friends will be a good resource for you two. It will help her see how she has porous boundaries.

Questions:

Has she confessed what they were actually texting about? Have her timeline detail the answers to those 3 points I mentioned.

Have you tried text recovery on her phone?

Have you looked at the phone records for number of texts between them?

Is the guy married? (How do you know about the domestic violence charge?)

Does she work in a hospital? I ask because the culture at quite a few hospitals is one of flirting, hookups and infidelity. Not all hospitals but something about the setting, hours, pressure etc seems to promote that environment.

I read not just friends and gave it to her to read but am not sure she is and no she is 1 of only 2 nurses at a refinery on site. I tried the text recovery she had deleted all of that as well as far as the charge on him I paid for a site to look up the phone number she called the night we had an argument and in hindsight wish I’d have waited to confront her about it either way she had already cleared all evidence. The guy isn’t married but in a relationship with a woman who he has been with for 10 years according to her because I reached out to her and told her what was going on hoping for more information but got none. He told her my wife sent him one picture of her radio and what she was listening to in the car and I know that’s a lie as she said she sent a selfie because I did see that in her phone I found out October 9 so that’s how long this has been going on. She said she would write out a timeline of what she did and said with him but we will see. As far as the therapist goes I know she won’t stop talking to her.

I went through a similar situation with my wife. There were red flags and I blindly ignored them because I blindly trusted my wife

It never dawned on me that the reason my wife was taking time every evening to carefully lay out her clothing for work the next day and spending about an hour in the bathroom getting ready, making sure the hair the nails the the makeup was perfect, was to impress a co-worker, a married coworker. She told me it just made her feel put together going through this routine and I thought nothing of it

But it was her response to me seeing a picture of her in a dress on her phone that I had not seen before that told my gut something was not right and it turned out she was sexting (AFAIK) with the school police officer who was 9 years younger than her and 13 years younger than me and in 30 seconds everything I thought I knew to be honest true safe Etc just vanished

When I confronted her she did the typical BS that WS's do. First came dismissal, she said it's just harmless flirting, no big deal, you are overreacting yet when I asked what would our friends and family think of this? Would they think I'm overreacting? And her curt response was no

Then she switched to DARVO. She said and what secrets do YOU have that I don't know about to which I replied none, you know everything about me

Since that didn't work she switched to anger. She came up with a list of BS excuses trying to make me feel like I was the bad guy and I caused her to do this

The entire hour-long conversation I was a train wreck and she just sat there with her arms folded, shooting daggers at me with her eyes, not an ounce of sympathy so I was convinced this guy was her Exit Plan and I just happened to stumble into it

The next day when she came home from work I said I need time to think and I can't do that bumping into you and I will not spend all weekend staring at the ground. I cannot make you leave but I need you to leave, there's a suitcase upstairs so please leave and that's when reality smacked her in the face. She packed the bag and left.

The next day I sent her a scathing text message that was brutal and raw and my intention was to make her feel like a horrible human being. I told her to not reach out to me that I would reach out to her if and when I wanted to and later that day I said meet me tomorrow at 3:00 p.m. at this public place to discuss our next steps and I went there with the intention of telling her I am filing for divorce if she gave me an attitude or tried dismissing what I discovered but in two days she realized she had destroyed a 27-year relationship and that our kids were possibly going to split their time between parents and everyone would find out why

When we met she was a train wreck begging for forgiveness and I foolishly demanded MC because I didn't know any better and that was a huge mistake

I will admit it took me several months before I felt like my head was clear and my feet were back on Solid Ground. At one point early on my wife said there's no sense in placing blame, we are both at fault for this to which I replied I am not to blame for any of this. You are 100% at fault. You made the decision to have an affair, not me. She replied so you don't think all those years you didn't talk to me, you are not partially to blame for this and I said no. Yes I did do that but realized it was wrong so I asked you to go to marriage counseling with me so we could learn to communicate better and your response was an adamant NO!, I am not going and when I asked why you said because it could bring up other problems in our relationship. So I found a therapist that helped me realize what I was doing wrong, how to communicate better, but when I tried to talk to you you would put up a wall, fold your arms, shut down the conversation, so no, I am not partially to blame for this

You know what you have found and what your wife has told you and as others have said I am willing to bet anything you don't know everything because there's no reason for her to give you any more information than what you have. WS's don't tell everything because they are afraid they will give too much information and that will cause the BS to leave. Schedule an appointment with a polygrapher and tell your wife. How she responds will tell you whether or not she's being honest. Her agreeing to take the test could be false bravado just to make you think her timeline is honest but when you tell her the appointment's been scheduled and there's no going back that will convince her you are serious

Your wife has to believe that you are willing to end the marriage over this otherwise she retains all of the power in this situation. But you have to be willing to follow through if need be

Tell her you want her to find a new job. If she says okay that's a good sign but if she says no or she tries to dissuade you from this request that tells me this job (and being around her AP) is more important than your relationship. A truly remorseful WS will do anything and everything to save a relationship.

The therapist who is telling you to just move on should lose his or her license. It takes an incredibly long time to process through an affair. It takes years to rebuild Trust but only a moment to destroy it.

An affair permanently changes a relationship. It can never go back to the way it was because now you know things about your wife that you never thought possible. Were you to ask any of our family or friends if they thought my wife could do something like this and every single person would say hell no, but she did it, and I will never blindly trust her again

You said you read the book not just friends and then gave it to your wife to read but you don't think she will. That's a bad sign. Like I said earlier, a truly remorseful spouse will do anything to help heal the damage he or she has caused and until she can admit to you that she is 100% to blame, that the affair is 100% her fault, that she truly understands the damage she has caused to you and your relationship, reconciliation will not work

It's a very long difficult road to try and repair a relationship after an affair and please do not be in a hurry to do so. Focus on you and what you want, what you need, in order to feel safe and to feel loved and to feel respected and she can either help with this in whatever ways you need or she is free to leave

As usual I have rattled on way too long. This place is an amazing resource for knowledge and support and all of us are here to help you however we can.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 8:09 PM, Sunday, December 21st]