SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When I was a kid I watched the Richard Attenborough film ‘Gandhi’, the one with Ben Kingsley. I’ve watched it again several times since. Some lines from that movie stayed in my family lexicon, for different reasons. One line which just stuck with me and popped into my head from time to time is: "It needs a lot of money to keep Bapu poor" - spoken by Sarojini Devi Naidu.

In my recovery I kept stewing on that, and arrived at "it’s not simple, it takes a lot of work to make it simple". That applies to having a hard rule against cheating, and a strong trend towards honesty, and other things.

My experience of infidelity brought up lots of pain from my father’s affair, and trying to reconcile truisms such as cheater’s being selfish, with my knowledge that was only sometimes true regarding my father. It’s a bit crazy-making. Why did he do it?

Anyway, one of the several things I have concluded is that people who have affairs have not, in time, accepted the need to do the work it takes to keep life simple. Their reasons differ. I think I have a good idea now in the case of my father and wife, but one is dead and the other wouldn’t engage in my speculation. I think it’s a tragedy for them that life didn’t give them the right lessons at the right time and they didn’t heed them, did not grasp their importance, in time.

[This message edited by straightup at 9:08 PM, Monday, February 24th]

Logically though, I've got to say, the why really doesn't matter. We are prone to over analyze everything, especially in this space. That's not a criticism, generally that's a wonderful thing.

That being said, you can't tell me the answer never simply boils to being... In that moment she was a bad person. Bad people do bad things and to hell with the consequences.

There's a lot to make sense of when recovering from infidelity because it's such a mind-twisting thing. The whys are important to some people, and others don't care at all, they just want out. I R'ed, but I can only imagine the frustration that some feel when the WS leaves immediately after DDay - or they stay but won't open up. And of course, they whys are very important in R.

Also, I don't believe that most WSs are bad people. Some are. Some are evil dirtbags, but most are people who got caught up in their own mind games and dysfunction.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 3:09 PM, Tuesday, February 25th]

I think it is universally true that the affair forces you to reconsider the entire history of the relationship.

I think that the behavior of a WS that is not conducive to R, is also not conducive to getting answers about the pre-A part of the relationship, as you have pointed out. There is a very bright line in my case, so I sort of have a nice partition around the A tainted part and the rest of it.

Well @InkHulk, I do hope that this is helpful. Not in any answers but perhaps in useful labels to what you may be dealing with.

You are not only wanting to have your STBX-WW's "whys" as for why her affair(s?) happened, but you are also needing to know precisely what the last 20 years, and we may be talking even longer than that, of YOUR LIFE actually meant. Your life got tied up into all of that of the affair, was it the past 5 years or was it almost the entirety of the past 25. What was your marriage all about, truly. Did your STBX-WW ever truly love you i.e., was she ever even capable of that.

You have a lot of heavy questions on your mind, and even though your marriage may have never been salvageable, answers to those questions still would have answered some things, I imagine.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:14 PM, Monday, February 24th]

I just wanted to say that I experienced the same dissociation. Realizing I'd lived in a reality that didn't really exist. That these formative memories and experiences were all tainted. It's disorienting.

I really clung to a comment from my therapist: Knowing what I knew then about my partner, with the values that I still hold, would I have done anything different? Would I have been more distrustful or critical? Would I have conducted myself differently in the relationship?

My reality was that I fell in love for the first time, I made plans and memories and built a life with a partner who I adored. I opened myself up and evolved into a person (I think) is pretty fucking incredible. I would have lived the same life, made the same choices, and existed in the same reality all over again.

I'll never fully understand XWP's why's or the reality he experienced. But understanding that I would act with trust and vulnerability and integrity all over again helps me hold onto the happiness in my memories. I feel validated in my experiences. There's still hurt there and a lot of disbelief, but over time the vertigo is less.

Anyway, one of the several things I have concluded is that people who have affairs have not, in time, accepted the need to do the work it takes to keep life simple.

I do believe I know exactly what you mean. Always reading between lines when the lines were the message.

I plan to live genuinely, simply, and with short accounts.

Knowing what I knew then about my partner, with the values that I still hold, would I have done anything different? Would I have been more distrustful or critical? Would I have conducted myself differently in the relationship?

I believe, from the perspective I have now, that I should have left that relationship before I married her. Said another way, I believe I will leave any relationship going forward that has characteristics like that. But I can still have grace for who I was then.

Also now might be a good time to start that Eckhardt Tolle book if you haven’t.

Posting only because Ink has shared his Christian faith. This is NOT a "religious post".

With respect to hikingout, and I’m utterly convinced she means nothing but help, please keep in mind Mr. Tolle’s worldview is utterly non-Christian, being a form of "new age". Normally I’d advise "chew the meat but spit out the bones" but I’m not quite sure if I’ve found much helpful in his works, when read from a Christian perspective. That doesn’t mean of course there’s nothing in that book to potentially help you, just be aware of the subtle undermining of Biblical truth.

I do believe I can take in sources of information and evaluate them critically. I believe you have nothing but the best of intentions in writing that message, but I do not require that kind of shielding.

I do just quickly want to say in regards to Tolle- only because I recommend that book often and it did change my life for the better and I believe as a result of that has lead me to be a better Christian, have better relationships, and a better outlook on life.

I look at what he teaches to be religion neutral only because whatever you believe, what he is teaching is coping skills and letting go of narratives that our brain wants us to wrap ourselves around. Our thoughts form our reality and by being mindful of them and not getting caught up with false narratives.

I do not want to threadjack and debate the undermining Christianity thing, would love to hear your explanation some other time. Maybe I will start a thread under other topics. Or shoot me a message explaining that position as I have not felt that way reading it.

But my Christian self continues to pray for ink and his family. End threadjack.

Oh wow, interesting!

Anything hikingout says has helped her immensely should be taken seriously by everyone. Maybe the contemplative/mystic route is not the thing the OP needs right now. Maybe not even Christianity per se. I have a couple of friends who have suffered terribly, one through mis-use of the Bible and terrible church experience, the other through the painful debilitating long term illness and death of her son. They can’t go near anything religious but they are engaging seriously with the heavy topics. That is blessed, I think. Someone like Tolle would be a godsend to them for offering a way theough suffering rooted in the divine.

I read The Power of Now and liked it. There’s a contemplative strand in Christianity that is not really strong right now except maybe Richard Rohr (does anyone know others?) and Tolle complements that and makes it easier to practice. The short video The Deep Meaning of the Cross by Tolle (on YouTube) might be a way to see if the ideas are what is needed in this moment … I remember nodding along thinking yes, yes, that’s smart, hard disagree about that, insightful, etc. Another angle.

Grateful, I am not sure why, but it never worries me when people pursue truth that is not straight from the scriptures. Maybe as I mentioned I see when there is deceit right up there in the pulpit and truth outside calling to people. God has so many different stories for us, so many different ways to find people … it’s stunning and beautiful.. look at CS Lewis, God turned his atheistic study of mythology into the very thing that converted him. Maybe I would say don’t be afraid of it? God can handle people’s searches. If they are insincere, that will come out.

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