SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am going full no contact I won’t be allowing him into my home. I’m not stopping him seeing our children but I won’t be making any arrangements for him.

I’m sorry it has come to this but I think you really don’t have any other options at this point.

It is at the point where YOU have to stop enabling him and his lies and allowing him to keep you as his plan B (back up plan).

The audacity that he thinks he can live within your home and cheat in you — in front of your kids.

Every interaction with him turns into an argument. I’d like to suggest that there is a way out of that loop or warp. Here are a few suggestions:

No contact or contact only via text (which I may have suggested earlier)

You don’t need to respond to ANY text message that is rude or insulting or offensive etc. By ignoring him you are removing yourself from his manipulative control.

It may be hard at first to ignore him, but gets easier over time.

When he comes to pick up kids, try not to have to see him. Have a friend or relative available for hand off until he can prove he can stop being argumentative and manipulative.

Set a deadline for starting at least child support. Do not let him keep you in limbo longer than necessary.

Here in the US the person that files for support first gets the largest share. If the OW has a child by him and files first, she may get the larger share. Just something to be aware of.

Stay here for support. You have made a hard decision but I believe it’s the right one for where you are right now.

Just remember — he’s no longer the guy you married. He’s morphed into someone or something else.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:37 AM, Monday, October 27th]

Communication of today has been from him
A message of - you need me home ❤️

Spoke to him and he’s basically saying he wants to come home for the kids but he is in love with the affair partner/girl friend and has feelings for her. If he comes home I can’t have access to his phone as he’s keeping in contact with her.

I calmly told him to call me when he gets his head out the clouds and we will talk about if I want him back then. Then put the phone down.

This is the very reason he needs blocking!

I think he is on some sort of Kickapoo joy juice. Does he really think his every breath comes out in rainbows? Don’t answer the phone. Don’t answer texts. If he has the kids that should be the ONLY time you ever converse with him.

Go see an attorney today and start getting out of this horror show.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:23 PM, Monday, October 27th]

He’s called and sent messages about how reality is hitting hard. How sorry he is and that he’s coming back home this week.

But I’ve a couple issues major one is if he really wanted to be back he’d of packed up and left straight away.

The next thing is at this present time I don’t want him here and I don’t see him in my future anymore. I think this may be from how he’s treated me after leaving. I mean this whole year has treated me terrible but the last few weeks have been terrible.

Am I now starting to heal? Staring to move in?

MissMee you have certainly been on the emotional roller coaster during this past year.

Are you healing? Possibly. But I think you are rooted in reality and seeing through the cheater’s empty words and promises.

He’s been making these promises or statements and never following through.

But I’ve a couple issues major one is if he really wanted to be back he’d of packed up and left straight away.

Spot on analysis. If his words were true he would have packed and retuned home. ASAP. However he says one thing and does another. Not a good sign that he’s invested in you & marriage, that he intends to be monogamous, that he’s planning to do everything and anything to make amends and reconcile.

I mean this whole year has treated me terrible but the last few weeks have been terrible

.

How has no contact been going for you? I think this was one of your reasons for blocking him — because he’s bragging how great the 24 yo OW is, he berated you etc.

I fear if he returns to your home it will be 24/7 non stop hell for you & kids.

Honestly if you see no future for your marriage, I would think having him return home is not in your best interest.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:35 AM, Wednesday, October 29th]

He’s called and sent messages about how reality is hitting hard. How sorry he is and that he’s coming back home this week.

For the moment. Until you give in then he can switch right back to being an asshole again. That's been his MO for the last year or so, right?

But I’ve a couple issues major one is if he really wanted to be back he’d of packed up and left straight away.

You would think, right? I don't know you or you him, but based on your posting about this I'm not buying it.

The next thing is at this present time I don’t want him here and I don’t see him in my future anymore. I think this may be from how he’s treated me after leaving. I mean this whole year has treated me terrible but the last few weeks have been terrible.

I think it would be a huge mistake to let him back in. I think he's still stringing you along and I'm certain expects you'll lay down on the floor and continue to be his personal doormat.

Am I now starting to heal? Staring to move in?

Maybe. Or maybe you're truly starting to recognize reality. Stay strong Missmee. Hold your ground and don't fall for any sweet talk. You know what's going to happen if you let him back into your home. Don't let yourself get into that position or this possible progress you're feeling might go right out the window.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:24 PM, Wednesday, October 29th]

Thanks both, I’ve actually felt like a weight has been lifted with the limited contact. I have thought about him coming back but I can’t see me ever forgiving him. He had told far too many lies and treated me appallingly. I think I’ve gave he more than enough chances whilst he was here to redeem himself.

I will not be living a life worrying if he’s telling me the truth.

And I’m actually looking forward to finding out who I actually am. As I’ve been a mom and housewife for 18 years!

I will not be living a life worrying if he’s telling me the truth.

Or cheating.

No one wants to be the marriage police. That is like a living hell IMO.

I think right now he just has not shown you that there is anything to work with. He doesn’t want to be your husband he just wants a free place to stay so he can continue to cheat.

Maybe even on the current OW.

I wonder WHY he keeps saying "he needs to come back home". It’s not because of you & kids. There is another reason — he’s just not telling you what it is.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:39 PM, Wednesday, October 29th]

I agree I did ask why he needs to come back but didn’t really get an answer. Only problem is whatever reason he will give why he needs to come back will be yet another lie!

It absolutely will be a manipulative lie to get him what he wants. Because whatever the reason, it is ONLY about what works for him in some way. It has nothing to do with you and what you and the kids need.

Is that acceptable to you? He is using you or using your house as a place to crash and play dad. He is keeping a foot in the door and in your life while continuing to cheat. This is harmful to you and to your kids. He keeps talking about what he needs. Does he ever ask you what you need? And really listen?

Just because he says something needs to happen or the kids need something to happen doesn’t make it so. He knows what he should do if he really cared about what was best for you and the kids. He just doesn’t want to do any of it. Instead, he tries to paint what he wants or needs as what EVERYONE wants and needs.

If you have the power to keep him out, are you ready to do that? Because telling him that you prefer he not come or that you don’t want him to come won’t work. He seems to be the type that will push every boundary as far as he can.

Only you know when you’re really done and not just trying to get him to recommit. He doesn’t seem to have shown any signs that he wants that, but he clearly wants to continue to use you and your home as conveniences.

Wishing you peace and strength.

He’s called and sent messages about how reality is hitting hard. How sorry he is and that he’s coming back home this week.

If you actually blocked him, he wouldn't be able to send you BS like this. Gently, you're prolonging your own torture. I just read this whole thread; you should go back and re-read everything you've written and the way he's wasted months of your life with hollow promises.

I fear for the next days...

In your previous posts it is known that you have been in a partnership with this man for 20 years and together have six children in age 1 to 18. That for 18 years you have been a SAHM.

Laws vary state-by-state and country-by-country. You are in the UK, but I do think this does apply there – based on some basic research:

If you are in a civil relationship (a form of partnership) then there is a legal process for dissolving that.

You can enter a civil relationship in many countries simply by clicking a box in your tax-returns. Basically – if you have claimed joint taxes chances are you are considered in a civil relationship.

It’s not as clear if your relationship is not registered, but I fear that 20 years, 6 kids and all that... One indicator: At the birth of the six kids, was there some sort of procedure to establish custody and support? If not – then chances are that legally you two are considered in a partnership and probably need a process to dissolve that.

I also fear that what you call "your home" where you have the power to ban him from entry might not be as clear as you think... Even if you can show you owned the home previous to your relationship, or if the residence is fully paid by your funds and solely in your name. If his LEGAL residence is registered in that home, he probably has a right to entry irrespective of who is the registered owner. You would need to serve him eviction papers or have some legal documentation banning him entry.

Missmee – Please understand that these concerns are solely based on getting you to a better place. You mention briefly that you have had advice from a solicitor. Please get your rights confirmed, have your ex-partner served with the correct documentation, and start the correct procedures to ensure that WHEN he reappears at the front-door you have legally changed the lock and ensured your right to keep him outside. Once he get’s in – you are going to have an uphill struggle getting him out again.

Edited to add:
Keep in mind that IF on a later date he shows the amount of remorse that you would consider trying to reconcile you can always allow him entry back into the home. Getting him legally removed NOW is not necessarily a permanent decision. But it clears the field a LOT for you.
As-is I think that if you refuse him entry, he probably has the legal right to demand police assistance in gaining entry – with the risk of you being removed for breaking his rights.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:37 AM, Thursday, October 30th]

Everyone’s mileage may vary. I have found Bigger to have solid thoughts for consideration. I have also found active waywards to have a mindset that is self serving. And a value system to match.

My EXWH is a life-long student of human behavior which he used for the purpose of manipulating me and possibly every other person he has ever crossed paths with. He spent much more time and energy learning and thinking and planning how to (figuratively) screw me in a divorce and extract what he wanted (assets) than figuring out how to fix his broken morals and family. I agree with the poster(s) who have said that divorce or legal dissolving is not a one way street should a wayward put in the work to actually become a safe partner.

I will never again be the woman my exwh abandoned. I wish you much peace and healing.