SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry to read that, Rivers. I know you wanted to reconcile and stay married.

It seems you gave it your all and that's something you can always be proud of. No shame or failure on your part.

Best of luck to you moving forward.

So sorry it came to this, but I really can’t wait to see your update in a year. I have a feeling your are going to be in such a better mind space. It is painful and rocky for a while more, but you deserve so much better. She really is a train wreck. Save yourself and your kids.

If you need support, the folks in the S/D forum are a great group who have been down this road.

Hang in there. — it will be better soon.

I am very late to the game here. I skimmed through this thread and I almost feel sick about how abusive and manipulative this woman has been to you.

She has played you like a fiddle. I know you are caring and tender in heart, but it is time. I don't care what breadcrumb she tosses your way, you are NOT SAFE in that marriage.

Your counselors have done you absolutely no favors either.

Please, please, please end it with all of them yesterday. Show your children that you have dignity and refuse to be treated like trash.

You can rebuild with people of virtue.

God help you. 🙏

Rivers,

Please update us when you have your WW served with divorce papers so we know you are making your way out of infidelity.

If you are still harboring doubts and hoping for some sort of miracle-- please reread this entire thread again from a 3rd person viewpoint. If a good friend had come to you and related everything you posted to you in a private conversation-- what would you tell him or her to do? What would you expect your friend to do?

You have not been in any meaningful or true and honest reconciliation. Instead of attempting to shoulder everything, end this sham of a marriage for the good of your daughters. Fully accept the responsibilities of being the best single dad with full primary custody of your daughters and fight for full custody. They deserve a sober and present parent in their lives.

Please keep us informed.

You know what I think will help you? Stop thinking about how sucky the divorce will be and start thinking about all the higher quality women you’re going to date around with once the divorce is done. THINK towards the happier future, don’t mire yourself in what it takes to get there.

Thank you for all the concerns and responses. Here’s an update:

We had three deaths in our close family and I had to take care of the kids and myself. I put the relationship on hold and just held off making any decisions while I grieved.

When the dust settled and a fresh set of sneaky shit was happening from my WW, I told her I wanted a divorce and filed the paperwork.

The next day… she came back and asked if there were any way we could work things out. I told her that she would have to go to AA, engage emotionally and stop avoiding me for me to even think about it.

And Holy Shit… she made a 180. Started going to AA. Is vulnerable and disclosing all sorts of stuff I had no idea about. She closed her separate accounts and handed me complete account histories. She is going to talking about her alcoholism and taking responsibility for not tolerating my emotions regarding her affairs.

I am skeptical if this can work, but I am appreciative of the chance for her to get sober. It is making a positive change for her and the kids.

She hasn’t asked for any commitments or promises from me. I haven’t made any either.

I’m watching what she does and seeing what happens.

I’ve been exhausted and (according to my Alanon sponsor and my therapist) suffering from ptsd from her behavior. It is normal when the spouse finally takes their addiction seriously to feel re traumatized.

I think about how I was finally making the break, looking forward to being free and starting over. While I feel drawn back into her mess, I also now has zero tolerance for her bullshit and she knows it.

I don’t know where this is headed, but the past week has been great.

One day at a time,
River

Rivers,

First of all, condolences on the deaths in your family. I’m so sorry for your losses.

But I’m glad that you have had a great week and that your WW is getting sober. Her sobriety is undoubtedly the best thing for her, your kids and your M.

These lines were so encouraging to read:

I’m watching what she does and seeing what happens.
…
I think about how I was finally making the break, looking forward to being free and starting over. While I feel drawn back into her mess, I also now has zero tolerance for her bullshit and she knows it.

Maintain your skepticism, and stay off the hopium. Make sure that the day you filed truly marked the beginning of your path out of infidelity, whether your R works or not.

I’m super happy for you man, you put your hands on the steering wheel and took control. You’ve had a rough ride and you deserve a few good breaks.

Stay in this field of detachment for a long period of time. If losing you is motivation for her to truly get better, then losing that detachment will allow her to feel safety before she should.

I am skeptical because I feel like for change to be real and true and followed through on, the person has to want it for themselves. She needs to be tired of where her actions are all leading her and I am not convinced that is true yet. It can start to save a relationship but at some point the other part has to kick in.

She knows she can’t hold her life together without you, that’s different than being capable of love and empathy. Until she has gotten through some of the more painful aspects of this change she is saying she is making, she will not be truly capable of those things and her motions towards it will end up where it has in the past. It hasn’t been bee that long since she last interacted with her AP. Your wife is very sick and she thinks you are easy prey.

I do sincerely hope she turns a corner for her own sake and that if you and your children. But her gestures towards making this seem real feels a little calculated to avoid divorce and her cozy situation where she can live out her partying lifestyle and someone is holding together her life for her. She knows the guestures have to be bigger and better. Stay detached from an outcome. I am glad you are in Al-anon.

I was raised by mental health professionals so I have a fairly high ability to contextualize and see the bullshit.

With all due respect I am not sure if this is true and you and your kids would be better off if you realized this...I hope it all works out for you

Watch her actions like a hawk and do not commit to R for AT LEAST 6 months.
With everything you’ve said, I feel like this is a performance. But I’m not always right.
The longer you make no commitment to staying and the longer she keeps trying irrespective of that non commitment really is the key. Even the best performance will eventually show cracks.

You seem to have given up all your power and agency, and you exist primarily as a reaction to her. She turns the dial down? You fret more. She turns the dial up? You fret less and think the marriage can be endured. But she has the dial of control of your emotions, not you.

DRSOOLERS can probably analyze the psychology behind this better than I can, but as a social worker in Oregon, maybe you are accustomed to believing the power should not be held by you? That you don't somehow DESERVE to hold power, even in your own house?

To regain control, move ahead with the divorce. You can always stop the process at any time.

I'm glad to read that your WW has started the program. My sister is approaching 28 years of sobriety. I know, vicariously, how difficult recovery came be. She still goes to meetings a few times a week and has been a sponsor to several people over the years.

Recovery is a lifelong process. The first few months are going to be extremely difficult. Reconciliation is probably going to take a back seat as she starts to work through the first few steps. So, don't expect much to happen on that front in the near future.

I'm sure you're aware, but just in case... no alcohol for you, either. Maintain a dry house. Be extremely vigilant, as well. She might try very hard to hide alcohol around the house or in her car.

I truly hope for the best for you both.