hikingout,
I don't post on the Wayward Side very often, but I wanted to take a moment to respond to this because you are someone whose perspective I have come to genuinely respect, and even admire, during my time here. I don't say that lightly. Your wilingness to examine yourself, challenge your own thinking, and speak openly about uncomfortable truths is something I have appreciated in many of your contributions.
Something that struck me while reading your posts is that you seem to be measuring your progress, at least in part, against the expectation that certain struggles should no longer exist. I wonder if that expectation itself might be contributing to some of what you're experiencing. Perhaps the return of an old thought pattern doesn't necessarily mean you've failed to overcome it. Perhaps the more meaningful measure of growth is what you do when that pattern returns.
And from where I'm sitting, I see considerable evidence of that growth. You're recognizing the rumination, identifying the underlying fears, questioning the narratives you're creating, and deliberately choosing to confront those feelings rather than escape them. You're communicating with your husband, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and acknowledging that you don't have all the answers. Those aren't insignificant things.
I can certainly relate to the tendency to overanalyze. I have an almost compulsive need to understand the things that trouble me, sometimes to the point where the analysis becomes another source of suffering. One thing I'm slowly learning is that understanding something intellectually doesn't necessarily mean we've finished experiencing it emotionally. Sometimes our minds arrive at a destination long before our emotions catch up.
I also wonder whether you've given yourself enough credit for everything you've been carrying. Your husband's surgery, the TIA, the uncertainty surrounding his health, the professional challenges, and the realization that time is moving forward whether we're ready or not. That's an enormous amount to process. Sometimes we spend so long being strong because circumstances demand it that we don't recognize how much we've been holding until we finally have an opportunity to put some of it down.
There is something else I wanted to say. As a betrayed husband, I have found tremendous value in reading the perspectives of people who are willing to examine their own shortcomings with genuine honesty. You have been one of those people for me. Not because you have everything figured out, but precisely because you don't pretend to. Your willingness to remain accountable while continuing to grow has helped me develop a more nuanced understanding of people and their capacity for change.
I think we sometimes forget that growth doesn't grant us immunity from being human. We can spend years developing healthier ways of thinking and still find ourselves struggling with something we thought we'd left behind. That doesn't erase the years of work that preceded it.
Maybe this isn't evidence that you've returned to the person you once were. Maybe it's an opportunity to recognize just how differently you're responding to something that once might have consumed you.
Give yourself some grace, hikingout. You've earned the right to be a work in progress, just like the rest of us.
And for what it's worth, I think the very fact that you're worried about these patterns, rather than simply surrendering to them, says quite a lot about the person you've worked so hard to become. Please know that you have helped me and many others I would imagine. You have turned something terrible into a real help and healing tour, I for one am forever grateful.
[This message edited by Gemmy at 1:27 PM, Monday, November 2nd]
