SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want to go ahead and thank any responses before I get started. I really appreciate it. Like many in the group I've kept my wife's affair a secret (for now) to protect her and give us a chance to mend what we have before we have our families at war. I had a few questions but here is a quick rundown of my situation.

Spouse of over 15 years has been in emotional affair for about a year. Not physical as far as I know. I'm the sole provider. We have several young kids. I confronted her with evidence months ago when I found out. She is still in contact daily with AP. No remorse, has blame shifted the affair completely on me... particularly for checking her phone when I suspected she was cheating. Re-writing our past. We are still living together with the kids but basically treating each other roommates. I think she secretly wants me to be so miserable I file for divorce first so she doesn't look like a villain. It's been pretty terrible.

A few questions for the community:

I'm considering writing her a letter (since talking leads to heated accusations from her). The letter would be an olive branch sort of thing giving her yet another opportunity to try and save our marriage. Is there ANYTHING I can write in the letter that might sway her put of affair fog? Any wayward wives care to comment? Or husband's that had success? If I do write it ...what are some pitfalls to avoid (accepting blame for the affair, being accusatory, etc...)

Particular example: I hurt her feelings in a situation while she was in the affair (I didn't know at the time). Would apologizing for that scenario only validate her affair feelings?

I'm under the impression that building somewhat pleasant interactions for now is the least damaging approach while I weather the storm of the affair. Am I being dumb for not turning up the heat and just filing myself? We have kids and I genuinely think she's in affair fog and not thinking clearly.

I understand she's probably scared, angry, ashamed and feels trapped in a lose-lose situation. Any wayward spouses have a posture I could take or ANYTHING I can say that would be taken as a positive pull to save the relationship? I just feel like both of us have dug in our heals waiting for the other to break. Unfortunately if/when I break, she's going to get exactly what she wants. 50% of everything, probably the house with the kids, plus a new guy ready to move right in and replace me.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and respond! I'd kindly ask that you please mention your perspective (betrayed or wayard) so I can understand the context.

You are not going to like what I write. Give up. Her behavior says she has moved on. No letter is going to change her mind.
You need to look after your health. Right now the stress is eating you up inside. See a dr for meds for anxiety and to help with sleep. Get outside for sunlight and exercise. You need something physical to do get out the intense feelings running around in your brain.
I am so sorry to welcome you into this club. Give it a chance. Good people on here to prop you up and help you will sound advice.

I am quite sure your main feeling is terror. That is running your life right now. Call the dr tomorrow .

Sorry you are going through this but you will receive good support. I have to be honest. But based on her behavior you describe, nothing you write to her will work. One of the hardest things to accept in infidelity and life, is that we can’t control others behavior. Your WW has been cheating on you for a year because she wants to do it. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. For the last year there have been three people in your M. That is an intolerable situation. She has moved on and is unlikely to change course.

My advice: always value yourself. You deserve a faithful partner. Get tested for STDs. See an attorney to learn your rights and if it were me, file for D. Is her AP married? If so expose the A to his OBS, and expose to your families. Take care of you and your health. Be there for your children. Practice a hard 180 with your WW. Do not engage or argue with her, she will just say things to hurt you. Become a gray rock. Give her nothing or emotion to turn on you. You will get through this and thrive. Have faith in your own strength. Good luck.

I am sorry friend but your WW is a lost cause. And I don't believe for a second that her affair is not physical.

Do not write the letter. You are trying to reason with someone who does not want reason and who even has thrown away her sense of right and wrong--if she ever even had it to begin with.

I really hope you get the urgency of your situation here, I am actually concerned for you about how dangerous your WW is to you and your kids. Job 1 is right now for you to protect yourself AND your kids from the evil shrew-lady. It breaks my heart that the courts don't always recognise how destructive infidelity is. Have you spoken with a good attorney? Surely you and your kids can be better protected than this.

Sunlight is often the best disinfectant too. Your families need to know, if only to help protect their grandkids from your WW's wicked ways.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 3:50 AM, Tuesday, May 12th]

Unfortunately if/when I break, she's going to get exactly what she wants. 50% of everything, probably the house with the kids, plus a new guy ready to move right in and replace me.

Me: Betrayed husband, tried really really really hard to reconcile for about two years, ended up divorcing.

I can pretty much guarantee that she is not being as rational as you are giving her credit for. She is almost certainly terrified to lose, being a SAHM with young kids, it’s a vulnerable spot to be in.

That said, that really doesn’t matter for you. She put herself in this bind, and she did it by betraying and destroying you. She gets no sympathy. She absolutely deserves none. Previous arguments or hurt feelings don’t mean jack shit at this point. And I totally agree with the others, don’t try to nice her back with an empathic letter.

You. Can’t. Control. Her.

She has chosen other than you. It’s brutal, I think it’s evil, but it’s what she did and continues to do. So you have to let her.

Hello deepseacalm. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join. I'm sorry you've had to find us here.

I think she secretly wants me to be so miserable I file for divorce first so she doesn't look like a villain

.Trust your instincts. You're probably right about this. It's common enough that I can write this with confidence.

Many betrayed spouses will do the "pick me dance." It's a natural response. If you can just "win" her back...

It's not going to work. There is absolutely nothing you can do to win a competition that simply doesn't exist.

If you want to save your marriage you're going to have to risk it's utter demise.

"I will not be married to a cheater," is what I told my ex-wife within 24 hours of discovery. It wasn't a threat or meant to manipulate; it was a simple fact of life.

Make a simple offer: "If you want to remain married to me this affair ends right now. The choice is yours."

This is all you need to say.

I am sorry you are going through this first and foremost.

I see no reason for you to protect her character now since she is actively in the affair. In fact,no think your action now are enabling.

Tell her family what she is doing so they understand the status of your marriage and why it will likely end. You need to be in control now.

And please, if this other man has a spouse, immediately tell them of this affair. You have to understand your wife is abusing you. Protect your heart and the children. Seel God for wisdom and deliverance. 🙏

You are a good and honorable person but you can't save the marriage unless you are willing to lose it.

I played this pick-me game when I thought the affair was not physical, and got myself a world of extra hurt and heartbreak.

There are 2 ways to end the affair fog:

1. The affair broke down naturally due to things getting real and the projections disintegrated.

2. Show the consequences by filing for divorce.

I would encourage you to read Leave a Cheater and Gain a Life " book. One thing that helped me is the saying that WS can always find you and restart a relationship after the divorce if there is a total transformation. Divorce or reconciliation is not a one way permanent door.

[This message edited by LastTimeinForever at 5:53 AM, Tuesday, May 12th]

I'm sorry you're going through this man, I really am. As far as breaking her out of the fog, I agree with the others that there isn't anything you can say in a letter that'll do it short of filing for divorce. My wife was pretty awful in the weeks following my discovery. I did the pick me dance hoping to find the right words or actions to snap her out of it. None of it worked.

It wasn't until I started calling divorce lawyers and set up consultations right in front of her that she broke down and snapped out of it. She went from being awful about it to begging me to not go through with it almost immediately. That was the beginning of the end of her affair. Before I did that she insisted on maintaining a "just friends" relationship with her AP. A situation I just couldn't tolerate. After I made those calls she broke down, literally begged me to not go through with it, sent a no contact message, blocked him on everything, put in for a location transfer at work (AP was a co worker), rolled her sleeves up and began the hard work of repairing the damage she'd done.

That was just about a year ago today, and she's been a model for reconciliation since. I'm certain she's stopped all communications with her AP and actually hates his guts now. If it weren't for her infidelity I'd daresay we have an almost ideal marriage right now, but it did happen, and at a year out I'm still having some rough days, but she's weathering the storms and really sitting with me in it. It's early days still, but if we continue on this path I really think we're going to make it and come out of it stronger than ever before.

That was my experience. To snap her out of it I had to show her I was willing to end the marriage, and from what I've read that's generally what it takes. Turning up the "nice," tip toeing around, and trying to spare a wayward spouse's feelings just doesn't work. You can't "nice" them back. They need to see consequences, or potential consequences.

Now, I also know from being on these forums for a year now, and having read many more stories that I ever wanted to on this subject, I know that my wife's reaction isn't the norm. She's what some would refer to as a unicorn when it comes to these situations. Rare is the WS (wayward spouse) who snaps out of it so quickly, does such a drastic turnaround, and still sticks to it a year later. Backsliding, lying, taking things further underground, continuing to blame shift, and continued deception is unfortunately more the norm.

I have no idea what your wife may or may not do if you follow my tactic, but I do know that almost nothing else works. If there's any kind of chance to salvage the relationship thays what usually does it. You have to take a stand and show her you won't tolerate it anymore. If you do start the process, make sure you mean it and you're ready to follow through with it if she calls your bluff. Backpedaling will just blow up in your face, so be prepared to follow through if you start it. Unfortunately I think that's really your only option unless you're prepared to continue living in infidelity. I came to the conclusion that divorce is a better option than living with that.

I'm sorry you've found yourself here. I'm sorry we don't have a better solution for you, but there is no magic phrase or action that will change a cheating spouse who's wrapped up in the dopamine high they're getting from an affair.

First of all, you don’t have to prove to her that she is having an affair. It’s enough that you are convinced.
Would help us a lot if you elaborated on the nature of their relationship. Talk? Messages? In person? Married man? The more the better.

I wouldn’t bother with a letter. Chances are that whatever you write will be misinterpreted in the worst way for you and will cause more problems than it can actually solve. As-is it’s a confrontative environment and it’s still where you are both trying to get some better individual positioning.

There really isn’t any "nice" here. The mentality you need to adapt is comparable to waking up to your hose on fire. You wouldn’t sneak into your kids rooms and gently say "sorry for waking you up. Can you please get out of bed and put on some clothes. There seems to be a bit of a fire in the house. Sorry…". You would be screaming FIRE! and pulling people out.
Your marriage is on fire, and hopefully it’s only still smoldering and not open flames. We have yet to see if it’s impacted the foundations.

I’m a rather direct type of guy who doesn’t like loose threads or misunderstandings. I refer crystal-clear conditions and demands.
I would find time when the kids aren’t bothering you and sit her down for a serious talk. Something like:
Wife. You know my concerns about your relationship with Dave. You don’t seem to see this as something that can seriously damage our marriage, but for me this is so serious that it casts doubt on me seeing us remain married. I always envisioned us together forever and I do believe our children deserve we do our best to create the best family possible. But I will never in any way share my wife and that’s what I feel you are offering me now. We might be better off as amicable coparents rather than unhappy husband and wife.
I’m OK with divorce. It’s not what I want, but even less do I want to share you. I know that if we D then within a couple of years I will be fine, but I also know that sharing you will constantly cause me pain.
I would want us to try some things first though because divorce is a big and serious process, but its totally up to you whether we do that or move right on to divorce.

What I would want us to do is the following… (and here you can put your requirements but here is a skeleton/suggestion…)
You let Dave know that you won’t be talking to him for the next 2 weeks.
We get Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass and we both read the book together, discuss the chapters, do the exercises and you then explain why your relationship with Dave isn’t an emotional affair. Maybe you can convince me why it’s a harmless friendship.

If you acknowledge it’s an EA you cut Dave off completely.

I acknowledge that I have my share in the marriages troubles. I am open to us going to MC/therapy to help work through our issues. But I don’t see any chance for that while you are focused on your affair partner. THAT needs to be over.

Like I said: This is what I’m willing to do, but I’m not forcing you to any decision. What I do know is that while this is ongoing our marriage isn’t sustainable and until and unless you tell me you want to save our marriage I’m simply assuming you have chosen him over us and moving onwards.

Divorce is a process. There is no rush and the laws in our state will ensure we both get fair treatment. If you aren’t willing to work at saving the marriage I suggest you start educating yourself about the next steps.

And that it… That’s the talk.
You go and make a sandwich. Watch a rerun of Gunsmoke.
She wants to talk about the marriage: Honey – the only thing that needs to be addressed is if you are willing to work at saving us, or if you want to keep your toy-boy. Even if I were to agree with you (that I am inattentive, have BO, snore… whatever) then it’s not really relevant while you are still in an affair.
That is the standard answer to ANY marital issue she makes. While not committed -> no need to argue.

I agree with Bigger. Have the conversation. Or, since you think your WS is trying to break you and force you to file, file now, before you break. File now, while you still are in decent health.

I'm usually against filing. I usually see possibilities for R. But you describe a WS who is out of your M.

If you file, you're in control of your own life, and you'll have some control of your kids' lives. If you don't file, you leave your WS in control of your M, and it's very possible they'll act at a very bad time for you.

Despite the adultery, you'll have to come up with an asset split that a court will approve. You're going to hve to give up something to get your freedom.

I understand you want to R, but R takes 2. Your W isn't in a fog. She's in an A, blaming you. You can't know what's in her head. The only clues you have are her words and her behavior. She's angry at you, she's committed to her ap, and she takes no responsibility for her actions. Any one of those make R impossible; all 3 together ... your hope seems more like hopium.

Have you seen https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/? My reco is to read and to implement it. The point is not to draw your W back by anomalous behavior. Rather, it's to help you detach, to help you find and enhance your strengths, and to overcome fear.

D – Don’t

E – Even

T – Think

A – About

C – Changing

H – Her.

*****

Also - writing from experience here - you may be protecting yourself by keeping the A secret, too. It may be the best course of action open to you, but if you're protecting yourself, don't hide from it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:17 PM, Tuesday, May 12th]