SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mantras are an invaluable tool when dealing with the kind of hurt and anger that arise with infidelity. I think they are especially useful for people who are in the early throws of dealing with this painfully disorienting issue.

There are many mantras here at SI. And I support them when used in a general way. However, I have personally felt it when the mantra had become so rigid it seemed more like a dogma to obey verses a mantra to consider.

In my mind, a mantra is not a statement of fact, rather it is a suggestion that is applicable most of the time. Whereas a dogma does not allow for those moments where it is not effective. Instead, it shifts the blame of the failure of the dogma to properly match the situation onto the person it is being applied to. Dogmas are sneaky buggers, easy traps to fall into!

As important as mantras are, I believe any group, whether religious or secular, that is attempting to help others, must always be careful not to allow their mantras to become dogmas.

Asterisk

Actually no, there are many different viewpoints on SI. If anything, many people here have been criticized as being too "pro-R".

If everyone is telling you basically the same thing and you will not consider, maybe it is time to ask if YOU are the one fooling yourself.

could you please share what specific mantra(s) you are referring to?

It can come across as more of a passive-aggressive dig when you withhold what you're actually criticizing.

Interesting that I am realizing I only know what a mantra is as an abstraction, while I am very familiar with dogmas.

I don’t know any mantra in particular, this might be a first for me so I am curious.

My intuition about mantra’s as I have been able to understand so superficially, is a shortcut to guide someone towards processing something they are experiencing in this moment.

Basically skipping the hardest parts of a climbing to "get there" like nails on a rock, but you still have to get there by yourself, right?

You then will fill the gaps yourself and complete the process faster.

Dogma skips that entirely, it is "there" and forbids you the climb, you can only be there and there is nowhere else but there. Accept it as faith, never question it.

Though they may have utility in some scenarios, I always disliked dogmas because it keeps me in the dark about the process, so I can’t assess if I agree with the conclusion or partially or not.

I like to think one thing: I am not helping anyone, I am being there for them to listen. They help themselves because they only have the power to do it, my role is nothing more than offering attention, acting like a canvas where they paint their own work and can then see it in its entirety.

It’s help in that sense, as I help myself by exploring and learning from others.

You are free to ask me to stop posting to your threads and I will respect it. Seems like I hit a pretty strong nerve last time.

I agree with WBFA (don’t let it go to your head ), there is great diversity of perspective from those who commune here. If I was going to narrow it down to one idea that this group is in very high alignment on is this: rugsweeping is bad. Facing issues is the path forward. If you poke at that sacred cow, you will pretty much be opposed from all sides. I’m personally in lock step with that idea, I think it merits the near unanimity.

I anticipate that you disagree that you are rugsweeping. You seem to want to paint a picture of a nuanced other path. Plainly, from your writing, I perceive you are avoiding hard topics and conversations. Others seem to be seeing similar patterns.

I wrote on here extensively for the better part of two years as I went thru infidelity hell. A member who doesn’t post any more named Hellfire provided some of the most intense emotional support to me, and she also threw a mean haymaker between my eyes occasionally. Both did me so much good. I’m not going to force that on you, again, I’ll go silent if you want. But those hard comments can come from a place of genuine care.

And you can also just ignore whatever you want. Take what you need, leave the rest. #mantra

For me, the catharsis come from my own writing. I have unpopular opinions and takes and some that are more well received But writing authentically about what one believes or thinks is the same as what you are supposed to be in therapy.

When anyone challenges me, what I have come to know is that either they will trigger a reconsideration or that challenge will do nothing but convince me I have found my truth even if they can’t see or agree with it.

When you got here I think of a lot of those writings to be titled "what I wish I could say to my wife".

I think you have chosen to stay married this long, and are likely not looking to ever make a change but you needed to let out what you are feeling like a pressure relief valve.

There are big trade offs for you for staying married over divorce. And you have calculated the trade offs to be worth it. So you try and talk to strangers here to help yourself make peace with it all. There are lots of people in this forum who are still married in that same way and that’s been decided to be enough.

When this site talks about reconciling it’s in the idea that there was a process taken that both people journeyed together on. That the couple had done a lot of work individually and together in order to recover from infidelity. Truth is I think that is a rarer outcome, and the reality is I think outcome you have had is far more common. You have to decide if what it is, where it is, how it is, is what you can ultimately accept and feel satisfied with.

When you are convinced of whatever path you choose to be on, the opposition will bother you less. I think you are a very deep and thoughtful man. Your wife might be deep and thoughtful in her own ways, but it’s always going to come down to there is a barrier between you. Some of your most significant thoughts and deep emotions are around this topic. Not being able to share that with the person who is supposed to see you clearest is going to be harder for you than for a. Person of average depth. You are a romantic to your core and unless you can find a way to share with her and her be able to receive it I think you may be doomed to have these strong feelings not know where to go.

I don’t think there is a perfect path, a one sized fits all solution. But I do think that the type of people who come here and express themselves are seeking connection and tend to be deeper feelers and thinkers. They are unlikely to get the connection they are missing from an anonymous forum., what this place does (or even a journal does) is helps you examine your thoughts. Helps you not go unchecked. Helps you not feel so alone in your pain. And I think we can still be those things to you. But what we can’t do is say whether or not you can heal without discussions with your wife. I am not saying it isn’t possible, but ai am saying that you will have to independently decide that- if you are truly getting any better by just airing it here. If so, great. None of us know the mysteries of the mind and heart.

I think there has been some progress but I don’t think as much as if you could find a way to communicate with your wife. The connection you seek is also the connection you withhold.

This is my take on your frustration.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:05 AM, Thursday, April 30th]

There are many mantras here at SI. And I support them when used in a general way. However, I have personally felt it when the mantra had become so rigid it seemed more like a dogma to obey verses a mantra to consider.

What mantra(s) are you talking about when you say some are closer to dogma than you'd like?

You might get pushback if you name them, but you might get people to change what they write.

Personally, I'm surprised you're oppressed by some mantras. I don't know how you got into the groups that seem excessively dogmatic to me, but you describe a life of searching for major truths about life. I've always read you as a person who digs underneath dogma, so I've thought it's easy for you to face it, evaluate it, and take what you think is useful and truthful. I'm sorry some feedback has hurt.

I don't always agree with you, but I think you raise important questions. I don't remember a post from you that was not thought-provoking. That's an admirable record.

The connection you seek is also the connection you withhold.

This is my take on your frustration.