SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello :-)
I found this forum 10 years ago when my partner of 18 years confessed that he'd met someone else, had been on a few dates with her and 'really liked her'. He only confessed after I found evidence of his shenanigans, I had always suspected he was a bit flighty and, when more dirty deeds subsequently came to light, I ended our relationship. I found great help and solace in this forum at the time :-)

I started a relationship with a lovely man quite soon afterwards, who I knew through work. We have been together 10 years, we do not live together but see each other most weekends and sometimes in the week. Over the past couple of years our sex life has dwindled, i put this down to me putting on weight (thanks peri-menopause!) and not feeling attractive. He is still keen and loving and tells me all the time how lovely I am. He was previously married and they had a strained relationship. She would sit up next to him in bed texting other men, and she eventually left him for someone else. My partner knew this was going on and he kind of shrugs it off saying 'if she has already made her mind up there's no point me trying to fight for her'. I think secretly he was glad to be rid of her.

Now here's my problem. A year ago i started working with a chap who is around my age. We get on really well, have similar cultural tastes (I mention this because me and my partner do not really have the same cultural/music tastes). Anyway, work guy is married with 3 teenage children, and his wife has been in hospital for the last 3 years. He has never really explained why she has been in hospital for so long, i suspect she has mental health issues. He talks openly about his children but never talks about his wife unless asked directly, and he visibly squirms/frowns when asked about her, and does not talk kindly about her. His wife was recently released from hospital and has moved back into the family home. He seems to go out alot on his own, or with his son and daughter, but i can't tell whether he goes out with his wife socially.

Also over the past year my partner has been getting more involved in other activities, so we don't see as much of each other as we used to. One of my girlfriends lost her husband about a year ago, so she has been arranging more social activities with a group of us, which also takes me away from time with my partner. My partner is retired and I still work.

I work in a very social team, and during the summer we started taking 'wellbeing' breaks at lunchtime (code for going to the local pub). Depending on availability of people in the team, this could be 6 of us or....just me and work guy. We always invite other people in the team, but if no one else is available we will still go on our own. Over the last few weeks we have also been going for a few drinks after work too, invariably just the 2 of us. We both drive, so only have a couple of pints, but it is beginning to seem a little clandestine. Work guy has made comments that indicates he fancies me, and i am flattered by this. I am also quite flirty with him and we have a laugh.

I do not want to pursue anything with work guy, but I can see how things might get out of hand very easily.

My partner can see how much happier I am at work, and I do talk about work guy, because we sit next to each other and converse throughout the day. My partner is not daft, especially as he must have seen similar signs with his ex-wife. I know how hurt and betrayed i felt by my ex, but i feel like i am replicating his behavior and feel really shitty about it.

Nothing has happened beyond flirting, but i have stopped telling my partner that i went for a few drinks after work with work guy. I tell myself that I am not lying, because he doesn't ask, but me not saying anything feels the same as lying.

I confided in my sister last week, who has had a couple of relationships with 'blurred edges' where she left her relationship to start one with someone she met at work. She said that in her experience the other person fills a void that exists in your current relationship. I think this might be the cultural thing that i mentioned above.

I don't want to pursue anything with work guy, but i am so confused. Do i fess up to my partner that i have a crush on this guy? what good would that do? do i finish with my partner because i feel like i'm having an emotional affair? If i'm being honest, after 10 years we know everything about each other, we have never committed to living together because we're both happy with our independence. Has my partner served his purpose to me (gosh, that sounds awful, but i am thinking of the reason/season/lifetime saying). i can't imagine not being with my partner, but is that just the comfort of familiarity? I do not want to hurt him, but is it wrong to be with him when inside i'm thinking "i'd rather be out with work guy"?

Sorry this is a long post. I am trying to give as much context as possible to explain my dilemma. Any help or advice greatly received :-)

It is good you are seeing this as a problem. Yes, it is a form of Betryal since you are placing energy and affections into work guy. It is wrong.

What I recommend is really ask yourself what you want with long term bf. Beyond that, what do you want in general in life romantically? Do you want to just date different men here and there to experience as much "New Relationship Energy" as you can? Or do you want someone who experiences life with you long term, who is loyal.even when chips are down.

Think of this, would you want the "work guy" to be the one you are depending on if you get cancer and are hospital ridden for 6 months? Do you think he has shown qualities of loyalty?

Next, what about his wife? You don't know her story. Why not encourage this guy to love his wife instead of placing affection on you?

I think you need to fess up to your current bf. Tell him you feel your heart is wandering and tell him all that happened. If you need something in your relationship, give him a chance to provide it. Otherwise, be honorable and move on. Don't destroy this man, at least give him that if nothing else. 🙏

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 10:26 PM, Friday, September 12th]

Yeah, this is the road to hell, and you have the advantage of recognizing it. You're right at the stage where minimization shifts to justification. Once you start doing things you wouldn't do in front of your partner , the affair is already underway.

"What good would it do to admit it?" As a BW, you know the answer. It would stop this train in its tracks. As a new WS, that's the last thing you want. You want to take just one more step. And then another. And then once you're far enough down the path, you'll look over your shoulder and think, "I'm already deep in trouble, so I might as well go to the end." You'll move deeper into the land of rationalization and invent reasons that validate your behavior. A tiny voice will try to remind you that this goes against everything you thought you stand for, and you'll shut that voice right down.

You're trying to tell yourself that it wouldn't be the end of the world if you broke up with your partner. If that's really true, do it now. Do it honorably. If your mind starts running to the practical reasons why you don't want to, remember: that's the reality that could be waiting for you, suddenly and coldy, at any moment if you continue into a full blown affair. All it takes is one false move, one suspicion investigated, and you could come home to find your possessions out on the lawn. Again, if you're ready for that, why cheat? And if you're not ready for that... why cheat?

Shut it down now. As someone who has had to look in the eyes of the person I betrayed, and seen what it cost him, trust me: you do not want to be in my shoes.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 6:00 PM, Friday, September 12th]

Otherfoot

It sounds like you are a good person, please keep it that way!

I'm not saying cheaters can never repent or become better people. However for many it's a stain that never comes off. Many people would outright refuse to date someone with cheating on their record. You felt the pain before. Don't be the abuser who goes on to abuse. Break the cycle.

Either leave your partner or cut this thing off. It sounds like it's circling 'too far'

Some hard truths there, I really appreciate you all taking the time to read and reply with some very sound advice.

I absolutely do need to tell him where I'm at. He is such a kind and thoughtful man and I do him a disservice by behaving this way. Difficult conversation coming up...!

Good choice Otherfoot!!! That decision has just saved you so much heartache. Lord bless you. Trust me, you CAN make your marriage vibrant again.🙏

Please, please, your work "crush" is a married man.

My WH said awful lies about me to the OW, your colleague is married, nip it in the bud and don't ever socialize with him again. You know the drill!

I agree informing your partner, maybe the relationship is coming to an end, or maybe it needs a bit of a jolt back into a good place.

My WH worked with a very social team, especially since several traveled together to corporate teach (OW was one of his students). Once I found out about the A, he never socialized with them again. Not once. Out of respect for me. Please respect his wife and his marriage.

Good luck!