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So DDay was roughly 7 months ago. My WH swore at the beginning he told me everything and then I found pictures that he denied sending to his AP. This led to him realizing (or so I think) how important telling the truth is. He divulged information to me that I wouldn't have otherwise been able to find on my own. My questions is, what do you do when things just seem fishy? I.e. he says he can't remember the password to the secret email he had? Or the skype account password that he told me he used a site that creates random email information to log in? I am one of those people that need as many details as possible and want to know the full depth of it all. He is in IC for this all but that will only be as good as what he chooses to tell his therapist. We have discovered how much he truly tried to minimize and compartmentalize all the things around cheating so can't it be so ingrained that they continue to do so?

Selective memory

In my case, as I am also detail orientated, I kept a spreadsheet of questions I had and then his lame ass excuses.

IMHO they do it for the same reason teenagers lie about breaking curfew - so they break you down enough you just STFU and they get away with it.

You are under no obligation to buy the bullshit they trying to sell.

IDK ... I was very protective of my identity. I created a special email address for joining SI.

I remember most passwords. I gave that email address a very obvious password. That is, I gave it a password that no one would be able to figure out without brute force password cracker. It was long. It was personal. It combined personal info from separate parts of my life. It was burned into my memory. It didn't need to be remembered... and I forgot it. That is, I forgot the email address. By the time I realized it was recorded in my SI profile, I had forgotten the password.

So I can believe your H forgot the stuff you reported.

But what do you think? How does you H behave when the topic comes up. Do you believe him or not? If you don't, is it your fear or his non-verbal communication?

So I can believe your H forgot the stuff you reported.
But what do you think? How does you H behave when the topic comes up. Do you believe him or not? If you don't, is it your fear or his non-verbal communication?

He doesn’t act any different when I question him about but then again he obviously has become comfortable with lying. I mostly have doubt because it just doesn’t make sense to me. If something was so important to him - he was desperate and seemed addicted to what he was doing- you’d think he protect it and ensure he could access it.

Shouldn't there be an "I forgot my password" link, at least for the email account?

Yes…the email was from a while ago…so now he doesn’t even remember the email to log into…that being said, from when we did try to get into it…he forgot the security questions because he said when he set it up…he put whatever for those…and then couldn’t remember the answers…convenient or a legit slight of memory?

You are at a crossroad here.

Let’s take the path that he’s telling the truth. He really doesn’t remember and he’s not purposely trying to hide anything. Can you accept that?

Let’s take the path he does know the PW but is so afraid you will see something and Divorce him because it was "that bad" or the "thing" that pushed you over the edge. Can you accept that?

Unfortunately as a betrayed spouse you most likely will not get 100% of the truth.

But only you can decide what you need to heal and then hope you get it. But often a betrayed spouse is forced to have accept some things - whether they are the full truth or mostly true or some things are kept hidden.

Some things may be dealbreakers too. Like not getting access to emails or secret accounts, etc. but each betrayed is different. Sine can "agree to disagree" on a point while others just know they cannot stay w/ someone who they believe is lying and hiding things.

I hope this helps you.

Very good advice ^

You're not going to get every answer. If you doubt the validity of these answers, you could always ask for a polygraph.

@the1stwife - that is all very good to consider. I’m still at the stage where I feel pushed and pulled in all different directions. One day I feel like I have enough info and then the next I spiral and it all goes to crap. I will keep what you said on my mind though and try to work through it.

@sacredsoul33 - I would LOVE to do a polygraph with him. However, the closest one is a few hours away and it’s a little weird for us Canadians to venture into the US right now….

I think what is more important about the email accounts is his reaction to them.

Does he see how important it is for you to access these accounts?

And if so, is he doing everything he can to try to regain access? From the little you wrote, he seems a little flippant/avoidant about it. If so, that would be extremely concerning.

Maybe this will help you.

My H had a 4 year EA in the late 90s. Refused to admit it but I knew it was going on.

However he admitted it to OW2. She told me he admitted it (and she had details so I know she’s not lying).

So now I believe it may be more than an EA. I have no proof. He won’t admit it was more than an EA.

It was 25+ years ago. I believe what I believe even w/out "proof". But to R I had to accept the situation and "agree to disagree".

Has my H changed since I almost D him? Yes.

Has he given me any reason to suspect he’s cheated in the last 12 years? No.

He has changed.

I choose to live in the present and not let the past take over. I remind myself that people can change if they really want to.

I hope this helps you.

My H says he's been as open a book as he can be, and he says that there are some details he can't share because he can't remember them. Not being able to remember things tracks with my 40yr experience of him, so I let it go, but a part of me does wonder if he remembers more than he's shared, and if he withheld details that would be dealbreakers. Since he's shared a lot of really hard things, and been direct and honest about those hard things, I lean towards accepting that the memory issues aren't a convenient lie.

Does your H tend to get details wrong, or does he usually remember everything?

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 3:55 PM, Monday, April 7th]

jb3199 - it seems like he has tried to get the accounts back - from what he has told me. I think I just find it hard to believe that neither could be accessed again. He seems to believe me when I tell him it's important. He just has a history of minimizing information or when I caught him before, he denied until it was proven to his face that there was too much information. There is obviously a good amount of lying that comes with cheating so it's hard to put trust in his word again. \

The1stWife - When do you feel like the acceptance of "this is all I am going to find out" came?

SacredSoul33 - My WH usually has a great memory - better than mine! Which is why I tend to lean towards that he *should* remember passwords and whatever. That being said, he has just told me that he created it just to have it. He used it to access websites and chats and whatever and if he ever couldn't get in, he would have just created another account. It is very frustrating. He has shared information that I hadn't yet found but the skeptical part of my brain just wants to say that he was telling me that to placate me or that there could be even more/worse information that he isn't tell me. It's so hard to trust someone when the trust is broken.

My WH’s A lasted 9 years so I’m sure there is a lot he cannot remember. BUT. There were a lot of I don’t remembers that I got him to admit were I don’t WANT to remembers. After so many icky revelations in my long discovery, I learned that definitive answers could not be trusted from him. Much of his thought process was to spare me pain, and much was to spare himself shame.

I have caught him in enough lies, and uncovered enough ugly truth to know enough now. It took me years to stop digging for digital clues, or emailing his main GF for some truth nuggets. I would give almost anything to have the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but I have had to accept that I have reached the end of my research and discovery. There is nothing more to learn that could change the baseline. He lied, he cheated, he covered up and lied some more. If I uncovered another lie today, all I would know is what I already know - he lies.

I am not a good resource to advise you to trust his words, especially so soon. Here is my cautionary tale of false intel:

Were there others? NO. Did you ever look for another partner besides her? NO. Did you ever go on dates? NO. Did you take trips together? NO. Did you use other email accounts to communicate? NO. Did you shop on other sites besides Ashley Madison? NO.

I believed those answers for half a year. Then I found his old phone cleaning and powered it up. Found emails with other prospects. Found their contact info and birthdays on his calendar! Found travel plans with the GF. Found four email accounts and five apps they used over the years. He even used his work email - for our business!! Found several other icky cheat sites. And so on, until I found hard evidence that the A went underground after DDay one. It was a long, slow and painful process to find the truth, and to put an end to the cheating. Did I put an end to the lying? I will never know unless I could read his mind.

My advice to you is if your gut is trying to tell you something feels off, it likely is something you should listen to. My WH is a master compartmentalizer and minimizer. He was not acting in our best interest or in mine, but in his own selfish shame spiral. It took me too long to figure that out, and it took me a year to find this site which would have helped me better protect myself and force his hand to tell the truth or leave.

Your mileage may vary. I kept a journal which turned out to be a reliable record of the scope of the lies. It infuriated him to get caught in them over and over, and I’m sure they got tangled up in his little compartments. The brutal truth would have been easier on us all.

Oh, and if you can’t remember the password for your email, it should be something you can reset, right? If he wanted to be transparent he could. Based on my story, his memory is selective on purpose. I hope I’m wrong and I wish you peace and healing.