SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After a much needed break from the world of infidelity I feel that I am in better headspace, and I wanted to thank everyone who supported me. Sometimes it’s hard to not read others accounts and not interlize. I was deeply hurting in my last posts, and i lashed out, for that I do apologize.

I also have come to deeply appreciate talking to others who have gone through this, and learning others perspectives has helped me contextualize my own experience.

It’s been really hard. Part of my problem, my WW is basically my only experience with a real relationship. I dated very casually before we met, and it was never serious. Just a few dates and good times. I feel deeply in love with my WW, and once we started dating and became serious, I took that dive and never looked back or questioned it. I don’t regret it, even post affair. I do wish I had more experience with ending serious relationships though. It’s the first time I’ve ever had to deal with it.

I know that I’m more than justified in ending the marriage, I don’t struggle with that. It’s the loss of feelings, the complete lack of seeing her as my wife. That deep love I had is gone, and it’s an alien experience to me. WW of course still says she loves me and wants us to work.

I know a lot of people say the affair itself isn’t what they can’t stand, it’s the lies/deception etc. I don’t feel that. I am fiercely loyal and honestly I’m disgusted that she gave up what was sacred to me to another. Sure I hate the lies, but I feel I could forgive all of that if it wasn’t to be with another.

I used to think that I could get through this and make our marriage work, but cheating is very likely my dealbreaker.

The worst thing about cheating are the lies I’ve told myself. That she would never, that I am responsible and if we just get it together we can work it out, that her having unprotected sex behind my back isn’t that bad, that all of the awful things she said about me is ok because she doesn’t do that anymore.

I don’t think I’m really asking anything, its more of a vent.

I am so glad you came back. And I don’t think there are any of us that didn’t understand you were in a very bad place.

I think it’s very hard to end a marriage even if it’s not you first relationship. There are so many things involved, especially your children. I understood the arrangement you were making, and I think sometimes all you can do is keep reaching for the next right thing and to understand ourselves more deeply in the process.

I think there is nothing wrong with seeing it as a dealbreaker for you. Being honest with yourself will provide the resolve you need to start entertaining the creativity of solutions. Often when we re in a bad place and are not clear of what we want we are really shit off from dealing with it fully until we have more clarity. I don’t think there re many here that could claim they knew what they wanted right away, it has to play out.

Saying a prayer for your continued strength in your continued path to clarity. There are whole lot of people were and still are rooting for you!

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:18 PM, Wednesday, March 5th]

(((HellIsNotHalfFull))) it certainly sounds like you are processing everything the best you can. You are 3 years into this and I did not feel healed until about year 5, but unfortunately I was still in limbo due to False R and my ex being a narcissist.

Has your WW been working on herself and showing remorse? How is she helping you and the M? Are you in therapy?

Sometimes cheating is a dealbreaker and it is the untangling from the M that can be excruciating. If you start to feel more and more like you cannot do it the best option is to start detaching because it will let you see things more clearly about her and the M and also make it easier for you to leave if that becomes your decision.

Vent heard.

Welcome back, brother.

Hell, I’m glad you are feeling recovered enough to come back here. You have been put through the wringer and yet you rise. I admire your strength. I took note of what you said about the lies you told yourself. I think almost all of us tell ourselves versions of those lies. In my case, I so wanted my old pre-Dday life back that I told myself the lies that I now realize were symptoms of denial. If that was you, too, then congrats, you are normal. Early on, like the day after Dday, I decided that if I found evidence of PIV sex, I was out of the marriage because the intimacy that we had would be irrevocably tainted. After reading many posts on this site, I realize that no one knows for a certainty what they will accept until it happens to them. But, for all the reasons you cite, I still think that would be my red line. Brother, if a genie gave me three wishes, I’d give you one. Until that day, I wish you continued healing.

I’m very familiar with your story. Because of your self admitted lack of experience with relationships, I’m just here to tell you and reinforce that based on what you’ve said previously about your wife, it’ll be easier than you think to get someone else who is just as good as you thought your wife was. It will also be just as easy to get someone who is much, much better in every way.

Personally, I don’t think you can ever be in R with her. For me, once the truth is out nothing short of metaphorically being on their hands and knees everyday begging me not to leave would be the bare minimum. What I read from you is the walls have closed in and it’s self preservation time for her.

That said, you’re the one who had to pay monetarily and emotionally if you go with a divorce. Not me or anyone else.

Ink-

Good to hear from you as well.

Hiking,

Thank you, as I have already d
shown on a separate form, i still have a lot to work out, but I do really appreciate the understanding of where I was, and still am honestly.

Crazy,

For now I believe my W is actually remorseful. She has been in IC and from what I can tell she is being honest with her IC as well. She definitely lied to IC previously, but I don’t think she is anymore. It’s hard to say.

I don’t know. I can say she knows this time around if she sees AP again or whatever I’ll be gone, but I said that las time as well and here I am. I don’t know if we are in R, I don’t think I am. I am more in getting to a place where daily interaction doesn’t cause me to be angry or lash out at her stage. She can do whatever she wants, I just don’t want to dread coming home from work at the moment.